Anxiety
I am a freshman in college and let me just say this year has been a year of making mistakes and learning. Today I am going to be sharing with you about one of my biggest struggles, anxiety. This year I realized more people struggle with anxiety than I thought. For years I thought I was going through this alone but their are tons of people that struggle with it, maybe you are one of them. I figured I would tell my story and maybe help someone out. When I tell my friends I have anxiety they are always surprised; that is because I have gotten good at hiding it. This semester I have learned that it is okay to ask for help. I thought asking for help was a sign of weakness, but its definitely not! I've learned it's okay to mess up, it's not the end of the world. A way I have been able to clear my mind is by running. It has really changed my life.
As I post on social media and this blog I want to make sure I am as authentic and honest as possible. I want people to read my blog and really get to know me. I was planning on only posting about clothes but I decided I will occasionally post about whatever I feel like God wants me to write about. I also love love love making videos so you will probably see a few here and there! :) For my comp class I had to write a memoir essay and I decided to write mine over my struggle with anxiety and how God helped me get through a time of difficulty. So I hope you enjoy!! :)
Just Breathe
“The American
Psychological Association (APA) defines anxiety as ‘an emotion characterized
by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like
increased blood
Going to school has always been a
struggle for me. All throughout elementary school my parents would chase me
around our 2002 black minivan every morning just to get me to go into school. I
always loved school and would be fine once I got there, it was just getting me
there that was a struggle. I thank God every day for my amazing parents who put
up with me and my temper tantrums as a child. When I was in the second grade, I
vividly remember an event that triggered my anxiety. It was my first day back
from summer break. Seven-year-old little me was excited to be in the same class
as my best friend and not to mention I had the teacher everyone wanted, Mrs. Frizzell.
We were all sitting in a circle when my teacher shared with us the classroom policies
and what to do in case of an emergency. This is about to sound strange, but I
remember her telling us what to do in case we felt like we needed to throw up.
As she showed us where the trashcan and bathrooms were located my stomach
tightened into a knot. My heart started beating faster than the speed of light and
my mind was spinning. I was having a panic attack. For some reason, the thought
of being in a classroom and getting sick terrified me. I went home, grabbed
hand soap and some of my mom’s makeup and hair conditioner... no I was not
giving myself a makeover, I was trying to create fake throw up so I would not have
to go to school the next day. It sounds ridiculous. I know! My mom knew something was
wrong when I was in the bathroom for fifteen minutes, so she came to see what I
was doing. Upon opening the bathroom door, she saw that I was trying to make it
look like I got sick. That evening, my dad, who also had anxiety growing up,
helped calm me down and explained to me what I was feeling and how to handle
it. Anxiety makes me have to force myself out of my comfort zone 24/7, which
can be mentally draining. The thing with anxiety is that I might really want to
do something and be super excited about it, but it is easy to let worry and
fear consume me resulting in me not doing whatever I was excited to do. The
older I got the easier it was for me to control my anxiety. My anxiety was mostly
under control throughout high school until a big change happened in my life, college.
I knew before going that it was going to be hard for me to move out and I was
going to have to be up against challenges that I have not faced in a while such
as starting over at a new school, making new friends, and moving out. I had a
great first semester, it had its challenges, but did not prepare me for what
was to come next semester.
On my first day back from Christmas break, I was beyond excited to be back on campus. I was in my last class of the first day of classes when all of the sudden I felt like I was going to be sick. My face burned like I just had eaten the hottest pepper in the world. I got out of class and started throwing up right outside of the classroom. The next day I found out I had a stomach bug. The following week I came back feeling much better, but when I got to class I had this feeling of uneasiness. I was sitting in my 8 A.M. history class and felt like the person next to me could hear my heartbeat because it was so loud. My hands were sweating and I felt extremely nauseous. I got done with class and ended up throwing up in a nearby bathroom. This happened for three continuous days and I was missing random classes because I was mentally exhausted from trying to calm myself down the entire class. I had never been in a situation where I could not eventually calm myself down. After talking to my parents and taking some time to myself I realized that getting sick caused a spark in my anxiety. It is funny how things take a full 360. Here I am first day back to school in college and the idea of getting sick in class was causing a spike in my anxiety just like in second grade, except this time I was having a harder time calming myself down. One day I made it to only one of my three classes. I was frustrated with myself because I never miss class and felt lost on how to handle this situation. I called home crying and told my parents that I thought I was going to have to drop the semester. I decided to go home and see my family. It was around 8:30 P.M, I was in my car, crying, very upset and just talking to God. I was praying like I have never prayed before. At that point, I was beyond confused and did not know what to do anymore. My anxiety was out of control. I cranked up 88.9FM and soaked in some music. As I exited off the highway the song “Breathe” by Jonny Diaz came on. It is incredible how God delivers what you need at the right time. I cried my eyes out as I heard the lyrics “breathe, just breathe, come and rest at my feet, and be, just be, chaos calls but all you really need, is to just breathe, I’m busy, busy, busy, and it’s no surprise to see, that I only have time for me, me, me.” At that moment, I realized to just breathe. My anxious thoughts are lies from Satan. Once I gave all my fears, worries, and struggles to God a sense of comfort and relief came upon me. I was going to be okay. At college, I do not have my parents there to support and help me like I did when I was living at home, but I always have God with me wherever I go.
The next day, I forced myself to go to class though it was extremely hard. Day after day, I went to classes and it slowly got easier. Thanks to constant prayer and communication with God I got through it. Some struggles never go away, from second grade to freshman year of college I still struggle with the anxiety. Satan comes after me, but nobody can defeat the power and glory of God. These struggles have opened my eyes. I have learned that my anxiety has helped me grow and become a stronger person. When I experience anxiety, it feels like I am about to die and I will never get better, which causes me to have even more anxiety. I feel stuck in this vicious, ongoing cycle. I know the pain, suffering, and exhaustion that comes with anxiety, but once I learned to lay down my worries and struggles to God and let him take care of them my life got a whole lot easier. This experience has taught me not to forget that God hears us, sees us, and listens to our prayers. Every time I feel an anxiety attack coming on, I remember to just breathe.
On my first day back from Christmas break, I was beyond excited to be back on campus. I was in my last class of the first day of classes when all of the sudden I felt like I was going to be sick. My face burned like I just had eaten the hottest pepper in the world. I got out of class and started throwing up right outside of the classroom. The next day I found out I had a stomach bug. The following week I came back feeling much better, but when I got to class I had this feeling of uneasiness. I was sitting in my 8 A.M. history class and felt like the person next to me could hear my heartbeat because it was so loud. My hands were sweating and I felt extremely nauseous. I got done with class and ended up throwing up in a nearby bathroom. This happened for three continuous days and I was missing random classes because I was mentally exhausted from trying to calm myself down the entire class. I had never been in a situation where I could not eventually calm myself down. After talking to my parents and taking some time to myself I realized that getting sick caused a spark in my anxiety. It is funny how things take a full 360. Here I am first day back to school in college and the idea of getting sick in class was causing a spike in my anxiety just like in second grade, except this time I was having a harder time calming myself down. One day I made it to only one of my three classes. I was frustrated with myself because I never miss class and felt lost on how to handle this situation. I called home crying and told my parents that I thought I was going to have to drop the semester. I decided to go home and see my family. It was around 8:30 P.M, I was in my car, crying, very upset and just talking to God. I was praying like I have never prayed before. At that point, I was beyond confused and did not know what to do anymore. My anxiety was out of control. I cranked up 88.9FM and soaked in some music. As I exited off the highway the song “Breathe” by Jonny Diaz came on. It is incredible how God delivers what you need at the right time. I cried my eyes out as I heard the lyrics “breathe, just breathe, come and rest at my feet, and be, just be, chaos calls but all you really need, is to just breathe, I’m busy, busy, busy, and it’s no surprise to see, that I only have time for me, me, me.” At that moment, I realized to just breathe. My anxious thoughts are lies from Satan. Once I gave all my fears, worries, and struggles to God a sense of comfort and relief came upon me. I was going to be okay. At college, I do not have my parents there to support and help me like I did when I was living at home, but I always have God with me wherever I go.
The next day, I forced myself to go to class though it was extremely hard. Day after day, I went to classes and it slowly got easier. Thanks to constant prayer and communication with God I got through it. Some struggles never go away, from second grade to freshman year of college I still struggle with the anxiety. Satan comes after me, but nobody can defeat the power and glory of God. These struggles have opened my eyes. I have learned that my anxiety has helped me grow and become a stronger person. When I experience anxiety, it feels like I am about to die and I will never get better, which causes me to have even more anxiety. I feel stuck in this vicious, ongoing cycle. I know the pain, suffering, and exhaustion that comes with anxiety, but once I learned to lay down my worries and struggles to God and let him take care of them my life got a whole lot easier. This experience has taught me not to forget that God hears us, sees us, and listens to our prayers. Every time I feel an anxiety attack coming on, I remember to just breathe.
